Esmerelda: No mama, don’t!
Grandma Leota: I’m sorry, the smell of the port-o-sans the workers used is really upsetting my stomach!
Esmerelda: Then please throw up in one of those instead of this paupers grave!
(via trebaolofarabia)
“Guys, I was just looking at my paw…like…really looking at it. Have you ever wondered about the chain of events that gave us these paws? Like, all the stuff that happened to make these paws a thing. Sometimes…I think about it, and then I wonder what it would be like to have thumbs. If I had thumbs, the first thing I’d do…build a death ray.”
(Source: riverofechoes, via litteraenimoccidit)
“I, I didn’t realize pine martens would have so much blood in them. I need to go, move someplace else. I’ve been saving pinecones and smooth pebbles in a hollowed out tree stump near here. I’ll use it to buy a bus ticket, then head south, somewhere like Mississippi…they wont be looking for me there. No one will know what I did, I can start over.”
(via disgustinghuman)
When a hairdryer in the tub isn’t enough for you, Dr. Schadenfreude has developed a new patented suicide machine that will send you out with a bang! Our newly developed ‘electrolizers’ will obliterate your life force with the same electrical power needed to fuel a pre-diesel submarine! Furthermore when you use Dr. S’ new invention to bereft yourself of life one of three pre installed musical accompaniments will play, your choices include…
Nearer My God to Thee- Sarah Flower Adams
Stars and Stripes Forever- John Philip Sousa
Tik Tok- Ke$ha
originally from:tuesday-johnson
(via trebaolofarabia)
“Come on Jesus, get up, you gotta get out there and beat Apollo Creed!”
(via trebaolofarabia)
Iguanodon at the premiere of Jurassic Park IV, by all accounts it looks like she really let herself go. Multiple plastic surgeries have destroyed her once youthful looks, and habitual drug use has caused her to slump.
What happened girl? You used to be fierce? Look at yourself from three years ago…
Now look in the mirror…look at your life, look at your choices.
Iguanodon? More like Iguanodon’t do drugs kids.
(via trebaolofarabia)
“No one was ever able to put their finger on it, but there was something peculiar about Monsiuer Entrenge.”
(via trebaolofarabia)
“So Cthulhu, what do you want to do on Moon Base Cthulhu today? Well, I don’t know Cthulhu. Maybe sit on my sweet moon dirt throne? Fo’ sho’, (sighs) I kinda wish I hadn’t woken up and wiped out all life on that shitty planet, leaving me with no one to talk to and nothing to do. (long sigh)”
(Source: beer-cans-and-coffe-filters, via trebaolofarabia)
Tiberius: Jesus! Did you see that motherfucker nearly run over me in his chariot?!
Death: Dude, what the hell, don’t worry I caught ya.
Tiberius: HEY DICKLESS WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOIN’, RUN OVER SOME OTHER PLEB’S WHY DON’T YA!? Man, he coulda killed me.
Death: Don’t worry bro, if anyone here is going to kill you it will be me.
(Source: cauldronandcross, via trebaolofarabia)
Hezekiah: What’s it say Eustace?
Eustace: AHEM (clears throat), American troops under Zachary Taylor beat the living shit out Mexican forces pretty much everywhere, our troops should be home by Christmas, and Ezekial is still a slave.
Ezekial: Damn it.
(via trebaolofarabia)
